my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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