I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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