Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
