Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
