i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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