Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
