I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
