weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
