My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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