So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
