Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
