I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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