Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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