pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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