: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
