You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
