I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
