remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
