My friends, they love my intelligence
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
