3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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