Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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