I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize