I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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