***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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