I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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