You can't motorboat a personality
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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