i would punch a child for taco bell
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
