i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
