So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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