anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
