This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
