i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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