Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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