I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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