o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
