WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
