If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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