OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
no, he came in my armpit
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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