Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I have fence marks all over my body
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
