I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
