Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
