I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
