I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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