I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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