we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
