just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
