i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
