nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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