Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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