All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
